Maybe I Don’t Care

This weekend, I went to a friend’s party, something I was looking forward to all week. It’s been a while since I’ve been out and I was excited to get dressed up and meet new people.

As I got ready Saturday night, I thought about what I wanted to wear and how I wanted to look. We use clothes and makeup to create how we want to be perceived and what kind of person we want to be.  So who did I want to be?

The biggest changes in my life happened in the past 3 months. I was stripped of everything I associated my identity with- NYC, grad school, a boyfriend and now that I’m back home at my parents’ house, in the suburbs of Chicago,  I find myself asking, “Who do I want to be?”

I don’t know. And I don’t know when I’ll be able to answer that question. But I find myself asking 10 more questions. I want to be successful, happy, beautiful, have a great job I love (that also pays well..) but what does that mean? What does success mean, what is happiness, what is beauty?

I’m sure there are thousands of others who are in the same boat as me. Graduating from school, proud of what you studied, not so proud that you can’t find a job doing what you studied (or not yet) and although I take jobs I can get because I need money, I’m not okay with believing that I need to settle. Maybe I’m naive, maybe I’m an idealist, but maybe right now I don’t care.

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